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« July 2009 | Main | September 2009 »

Nationalized pizza three years later

By Special Guest Columnist Craig Cantoni

(Washington - 2013) The Obama administration's promises about the benefits of nationalizing the pizza industry have not materialized. Since the industry was nationalized three years ago, Americans are facing pizza shortages, pizzas in only one size and topping, and pizzas that taste like the cardboard box they come in.

When announcing the pizza program in 2010, President Obama had promised that pizza prices would fall, pizza quality would rise, and there would be universal access to pizza. "After all," he had said in his typical all-knowing manner that Americans have come to hate, "the pizza industry is much simpler than the medical industry, which we completely nationalized last year."

Before pizza was nationalized, virtually every American, whether rural or urban, rich or poor, white or black, or a race somewhere in between, could order a pizza customized to their liking and have it delivered hot to their door in about 45 mins. Now, in the rare cases where someone actually answers the phone at one of the government's regional pizza kitchens, it takes six hours on average for a pizza to be delivered.

The cost of the standard 12-inch pizza is $140, or a 20-fold increase in three years. Half of the increase is due to the skyrocketing inflation caused by the president's stimulus spending in 2009. A dollar now buys only half as much as it did back then.

Moreover, pizzas are now being delivered by bicycle in rural areas and by mass transit in urban areas, due to the president's climate laws, which have made gasoline unaffordable for the typical delivery person. Although delivery personnel in Minnesota replace the front tires of their bikes with skis in winter and put snow chains on the rear tires, pizzas still arrive at customers' doors frozen solid. In the summer in Arizona, pizzas leave the government pizza kitchen uncooked and cook along the way.

The Federal Department of Pizza is now bigger than the Department of Agriculture. Thousands of central planners have discovered that without the magic of market price signals, it's impossible to coordinate all of the variables involved in getting a pizza to someone's door.

Hundreds of Pizza Dept. employees try to determine months ahead who will order a pizza, at what time, on what day, and for what address. Hundreds of other employees then calculate how much flour, cheese, tomato sauce, and cardboard should be delivered to the regional pizza kitchens. Once this is determined, the information is sent with the Pizza Division of the Department of Labor, so that the kitchens have enough employees when they need them. Due to ongoing computer glitches, the pizza kitchens are fully staffed on Monday mornings but have a skeleton staff on Friday nights. During the last Super Bowl, the kitchens were shut down because no employees showed up for work.

The pizza forecasts are also sent to the Department of Agriculture, which has to tell farmers how much wheat and tomatoes to grow, cheese makers how much cheese to produce, and box makers how many boxes to make. The Department of Transportation also has to be notified to have 18-wheeler trucks available to deliver the goods to the pizza kitchens. It's to no avail, however, because the Department of Energy is still trying to develop battery-powered trucks to replace the trucks that were banned by the EPA for having internal combustion engines.

Clandestine pizza operations have sprung up across the land, and anchovies are even being snuck into the country from Portugal in travelers' suitcases. Customs personnel at New York's JFK Airport recently walked off the job after one Customs agent opened a suitcase and cracked open his head on the counter when he passed out from the stench.

The Justice Department has started a War on Pizza to shut down the clandestine operations, but this has just shifted the problem to Mexico. The Mexican government is on the verge of collapsing, due to the violence and corruption of Mexican pizza cartels who sneak contraband pizzas into the United States. Vinnie Rodriguez is said to be the kingpin of pizza in Mexico. Someone in Cleveland can order a pizza from Vinnie in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, and have it delivered piping hot with the toppings of his choice in a tenth of the time it takes a government pizza kitchen to fill an order for a cardboard pizza.

President Obama's popularity has dropped to five percent, showing that Americans can tolerate having their medical care screwed up by the government but not their pizza.


An author and columnist, Mr. Cantoni can be reached at  

Tzars Overrunning America

The lamestream media told you:

Obama has appointed a car czar to handle the automobile companies the government took over.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:

Tzars are helatious tyrannical dictators detested the world over, and most were ousted or killed early last century. As of July 1st -- all beholden solely to Mr. Obama -- America is now infested with these unregulated pests, and the media just blandly reports that a few new ones have come on board.

1. Technology Czar: Aneesh Chopra.
2. Drug Czar: Gil Kerlikowske
3. Copyright Czar: Not appointed yet. .
4. Energy Czar: Carol M. Browner
5. Car Czar: Ed Montgomery.
6. Terrorism/WMD Czar: Gary Samore.
7. Health Care Czar: Nancy-Ann DeParle.
8. Education Czar: Not appointed yet.
9. Economic Czar: Paul Volcker.
10. Mortgage Czar: Not appointed yet.
11. Urban Affairs/Housing Czar: Adolfo Carrion.
12. Guantanomo closure Czar: Danny Fried.
13. Great lakes Czar: Cameron Davis.
14. Stimulus accountability Czar: Earl Devaney.
15. Cyberspace Czar: Not appointed yet.
16. Border Czar: Alan Bersin (Former US attorney).
17. Intelligence Czar: Admiral Dennis Blair.
18. Regulatory Czar: Cass Sunstein.
19. Pay Czar: Kenneth Feinberg
20. Iran Czar: Not appointed yet.
21. TARP Czar: Herb Allison.
22. Middle-East peace Czar: George Mitchell.
23. Science Czar: John Holdren.
24. Green jobs Czar: Van Jones.
25. Afghanistan Czar: Richard Holbrooke.
26. Sudan Czar: J. Scott Gration.
27. Mideast policy Czar: Dennis Ross.
28. Information Czar: Vivek Kundra.
29. AIDS Czar: Jeffrey Crowley.
30. Faith-based Czar: Joshua Dubois.
31. Climate Czar: Todd Stern.

INSIDER STUFF: This from a ranking Republican in the machinery, preliminary to a statement about tzars you may be seeing soon:

Continue reading "Tzars Overrunning America" »

NICS Numbers Grow

The lamestream media told you:


The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:

Data released by the FBI's National Instant Criminal Background Check System (NICS) reported 968,145 checks in June 2009. This figure is an 18.1 percent increase from the 819,891 reported in June 2008.

The June increase follows a 15.4 percent rise in May and increases of 30.3 percent in April, 29.2 percent in March, 23 percent in February, 28 percent in January, 24 percent in December and 42 percent in November when a record 1,529,635 background checks were performed.

Background checks for the first six months of 2009 totaled 7,035,286, a 24.48 percent increase over the 5,651,584 for the same period for 2008. The total number of background checks reported since the beginning of NICS (1998) is 103,019,294.

The lamestream media has been claiming for years and years there are about 200 million guns in America. With about 100 million sold in just the past decade, even the brain dead can tell the media is just parroting a number without doing any research. At the very least, they should up the numbers from time to time, no? (The same problem exists with illegal immigrant counts, where the 12-million-illegals figure stood for seven years, despite one million new illegals sneaking in annually through 2008.)

Thanks to the National Shooting Sports Foundation for doing the legwork on the NICS counts, so I didn't have to.


False Gun Search

The lamestream media told you:

Federal agents hunt for guns, one house at a time. by Dane Schiller, Houston Chronicle

In front of a run-down shack in north Houston, federal agents step from a government sedan into 102-degree heat and face a critical question: How can the woman living here buy four high-end handguns in one day?

The house is worth $35,000. A screen dangles by a wall-unit air conditioner. Porch swing slats are smashed, the smattering of grass is flattened by cars and burned yellow by sun.

"I'll do the talking on this one," agent Tim Sloan, of South Carolina, told partner Brian Tumiel, of New York.

Success on the front lines of a government blitz on gunrunners supplying Mexican drug cartels with Houston weaponry hinges on logging heavy miles and knocking on countless doors. Dozens of agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives — sent here from around the country — are needed to follow what ATF acting director Kenneth Melson described as a "massive number of investigative leads."

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:

Promoted with an incendiary headline from Matt Drudge, the firearms community got all bent out of shape by this Chronicle story, falsely terrified of door-to-door searches for personal firearms. Sorry to disappoint, but this was much ado over nothing.

This is what's called good police work. Gun smuggling for drug cartels is not supported by the firearms community, and when blatant evidence of such activity appears, this is where good police work comes into play. That's the case here.

SPECIAL REPORT: Black Man With Gun Harms No One

The lamestream media told you:

A man was seen carrying a deadly black high capacity loaded semiautomatic AR-15 assault weapon near president Obama's speech in Phoenix, but was not arrested. Authorities say "it was perfectly legal," leaving observers in shock.

The Uninvited Ombudsman notes however that:

Black Man With Gun Harms No One Black Man With Gun Harms No One

Obama rally unaffected by one man's civil rights

National media has conniptions, interviews Korwin repeatedly seeking comfort, but gets none.

"Why wasn't that man arrested?" they cry?

"Because he didn't do anything."

"No Guns For Negroes" Documentary exonerated, vindicated, available for free viewing.

Page Nine Special -- Black Man With A Gun! Two guns!

The media nationwide has its panties in a knot because a person showed up at an Obama protest bearing arms and wearing a white shirt and tie. Not just any firearm, but what they like to vilify as an "assault" rifle -- an AR-15 typical household single-shot long gun. But to the media, it’s a menacing black gun. And it was worn by a black man, a fact they tried to hide. I took repeated calls for “news” interviews about this incredible occurrence.

Continue reading "SPECIAL REPORT: Black Man With Gun Harms No One" »

Correction: Environmental Hoax Proof

In "Environmental Hoax Proof" I said the U.S. has 3% of the world's population, but is being pressured to reduce its lifestyle as if it's the sole key to saving the planet from global environmental destruction. Meanwhile the rest of the world is not under the Obama cap-and-trade outgassing tax scheme. Current numbers indicate we are 4.65% of the world's people, so only 95.35% of the world won't be paying for the new Obama tax (if it passes). Sorry for the misstatement.

Read what people are saying about Page Nine, or tell Alan yourself.

See the archives below, or click through to an index of Page Nine posts at

About the Author

  • Freelance writer Alan Korwin is a founder and past president of the Arizona Book Publishing Association. With his wife Cheryl he operates Bloomfield Press, the largest producer and distributor of gun-law books in the country. Here writing as "The Uninvited Ombudsman," Alan covers the day's stories as they ought to read. Read more.

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